Tuesday 9 February 2016

Here I go again... on my own!

Hey there...

How's life treating ya? This blog seems to be becoming just a 'ranting bitching purge all the yucky things in my head' spot.

I am a bit lost these days. I don't seem to fit anywhere. That scares me. I am not even sure why, because its not like I have a long history of fitting in or even like I was part of the in crowd in high school. I just seem to be having trouble finding my groove again since being single again I guess. I never realised how much value I put in knowing that I was loved. Or how much sadness and hurt would come with questioning whether or not any of it was ever real. I saw my psych today - the first step in moving forward. When I told her what had happened in the last couple of years, the look on her face was priceless. There has been a whole lot in the last few years and I have spent a lot of time glossing over it all and coping as best as I could. But it hasn't been fun and whilst I have made sure that I stayed on top of how it all was affecting every one else, I didn't do a very good job of taking note of how it was affecting me.

I have a plan in place and the only thing that can stop me making shit happen, is me. I have to do this. I have to remember that valuing me can not come from other peoples opinions. Though I have to admit, support has come from the most unexpected places. People that I thought were friends have vanished and I have been fortunate enough to meet some beautiful people, who don't expect anything from me than just me. I am beyond thankful for those people.

I know now I need to surround myself with good people and unfortunately, that means a few fall from the friend zone into a no-go zone. People that I thought were good and kind turned out to be manipulative and self-centred and its time I stop letting people do that to me.

So if you are reading, forgive me for the lack of creativity here at the moment. I am sure I'll find it again... I just have to spend a little time finding myself first.

'Til next time...

Monday 18 January 2016

Well, hey there January...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by :)

Is it just me, or is time flying by so quickly these days, its kinda hard to keep up? I have high hopes for this year and am working quietly in the background over here, working hard to get things flowing and moving.

In making changes, I neglected to look at and consider the knock-on effect of those changes. Like in having my license finally, and then crashing my car. Or finally moving away from habits that aren't necessarily good for me, but seem to be so difficult to break. I don't want to sound like a victim, because that is so far from the truth, but there are times lately that I feel like this life is happening to me, out of my control. And I know I need to take pre-emptive actions if that is ever going to change.

I decided this year I needed a mantra to keep me accountable for my choices and my actions. Do you have a mantra? I am holding the cards pretty close to my chest right now, in fear I guess that if I disclose all the bubbling messy stuff that is happening in my head, that my chances of being 'okay' are limited.

Counselling is back on the table, and although I have taken this route before, I truly believe that this is a good move for me. I thought before that I was 'fixed' and while that may have been true at the time, maybe all of those old issues were fixed... time has bought with it some fun new things that I need to deal with. Being single again, and all the hurt that goes with it - well it was certainly not something I was expecting. I have spent so much of my life trying to be 'good' and I think now maybe its time to look at why I am so hard on myself. I was given some unsolicited advice the other day (funnily enough from my ex) and he said to me 'no matter how good you try to be, how good you are, sometimes life is going to let you down, and people are going to let you down - and that has nothing to do with how good YOU are'.

This hit me pretty hard, especially where it came from. I am struggling with what life is dishing up at the moment, and concepts that I thought I had all figured out, like HOME and FAMILY and LOVE all now mean different things. So, I have a choice here- maintain my control freak status and frantically snatch at perceived perfection... or I can learn to manage these life situations better, and conquer this shit once and for all.

I am taking responsibility for what happens in my life from now on, and taking responsibility for what comes of it. Although at times it feels like I am getting to know a stranger. I am clutching at figuring out who I am, and the changes that are occurring. I had a whole life planned, and those plans are now unattainable. It's time to make some new plans. Keeping fingers crossed for smooth sailing, wish me luck!