Monday 18 January 2016

Well, hey there January...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by :)

Is it just me, or is time flying by so quickly these days, its kinda hard to keep up? I have high hopes for this year and am working quietly in the background over here, working hard to get things flowing and moving.

In making changes, I neglected to look at and consider the knock-on effect of those changes. Like in having my license finally, and then crashing my car. Or finally moving away from habits that aren't necessarily good for me, but seem to be so difficult to break. I don't want to sound like a victim, because that is so far from the truth, but there are times lately that I feel like this life is happening to me, out of my control. And I know I need to take pre-emptive actions if that is ever going to change.

I decided this year I needed a mantra to keep me accountable for my choices and my actions. Do you have a mantra? I am holding the cards pretty close to my chest right now, in fear I guess that if I disclose all the bubbling messy stuff that is happening in my head, that my chances of being 'okay' are limited.

Counselling is back on the table, and although I have taken this route before, I truly believe that this is a good move for me. I thought before that I was 'fixed' and while that may have been true at the time, maybe all of those old issues were fixed... time has bought with it some fun new things that I need to deal with. Being single again, and all the hurt that goes with it - well it was certainly not something I was expecting. I have spent so much of my life trying to be 'good' and I think now maybe its time to look at why I am so hard on myself. I was given some unsolicited advice the other day (funnily enough from my ex) and he said to me 'no matter how good you try to be, how good you are, sometimes life is going to let you down, and people are going to let you down - and that has nothing to do with how good YOU are'.

This hit me pretty hard, especially where it came from. I am struggling with what life is dishing up at the moment, and concepts that I thought I had all figured out, like HOME and FAMILY and LOVE all now mean different things. So, I have a choice here- maintain my control freak status and frantically snatch at perceived perfection... or I can learn to manage these life situations better, and conquer this shit once and for all.

I am taking responsibility for what happens in my life from now on, and taking responsibility for what comes of it. Although at times it feels like I am getting to know a stranger. I am clutching at figuring out who I am, and the changes that are occurring. I had a whole life planned, and those plans are now unattainable. It's time to make some new plans. Keeping fingers crossed for smooth sailing, wish me luck!